Dear future survivors,
Hope is alive. I know this simple sentence isn’t always easy to believe, and at times it’s almost laughable, in a depressing way. From the depths of despair, and the traps of violence (and the memories of violence), it’s hard to see anything beyond the darkness. The abyss of powerlessness swallows us whole, seemingly drowning us, and we let it because nothingness is better than pain.
There is a reason for this: Both trafficking and intimate partner violence use similar tactics to hurt and trap you as the wheels of power demonstrate. The abuse comes in many forms: sexual, physical, financial, emotional. Each is in and of itself overwhelming and—taken together—make for a life of constant suffering.
For many of the survivor of trafficking and domestic violence I have walked and worked with, power seemed elusive, something we knew the perpetrator had, but not something that was within our reach. In fact, telling a victim, “You have the power to leave,” was met with blinking, incredulous eyes. “Have you not heard the threats? Do you have pockets of money to give me? Do you understand the connections he has? Do you see my scars, my exhaustion?”
And so this is the reality.
Until one day it isn’t. You see, our society equates “power” typically with those in power, in positions of power. We have been told that power is reserved for those with wealth, or connections (including those with various forms of privilege), or physical strength, meaning that power is connected to some thing.
We are rarely taught personal power is found within, that it’s not connected to any one thing, and that it’s not just reserved for the few, but for us as well. I think the awakening begins with acknowledging one basic fact. YOU deserve better.
Powerlessness is intricately connected to shame, to feelings of inadequacy. Imagine your personal power as a log burning a large fire in your soul. As terrible things happened to you, the fire was snuffed until only a few glowing embers remained, leaving you feeling cold and empty.
Let me tell you a secret: No one took your power away, because it’s inherent to you. The few glowing embers are yours, unable to be extinguished because they are part of you. You can always restart a fire and fan even the smallest flame. And so the journey begins with remembering that it is still there and that you DESERVE to be warm again.
Fanning the flames starts small. First, find safety. Reach out to resources. Make safety plans. Acknowledge that what is happening is an injustice that you don’t deserve. Having second thoughts? Think of what you would tell your best friend if she were in your shoes, then take your own advice.
Next comes self-care. Rediscover what makes you feel happy. Start the healing process, which can come in many forms: counseling, spirituality, reconnecting with loved ones.
With each step, the flame grows, and as it rises, so will your energy and desire to grow. Your growth will be unique to you.
None of this is easy. Please know my words on this page, typed effortlessly, in no way match the struggles you have or will endure. But they are spoken with love, and they are written with encouragement, planting seeds of hope, reminding you that hope is indeed alive.
Go out and fan the flames of your power.
Reclaim it.
Yours in the struggle,
Joyce McCauley-Benner